My sister is my best friend, which means one of the hardest parts of relapse is knowing that it doesn’t only happen to me.

Of course I want to say I’m sorry. I want her to know how much regret I feel and how badly I wish I could change what happened. But I’m learning that sometimes sorry isn’t enough. Not because the apology isn’t real, but because some things need time.

That’s probably one of the hardest things for me to accept.

When I hurt someone I love, my instinct is to want to fix it immediately. I want to explain myself, apologize again, make sure we’re okay and somehow get everything back to normal. But recovery is teaching me that I don’t get to decide when someone else is ready.

Sometimes loving someone means giving them space. Letting them feel whatever they need to feel without asking them to make me feel better about it.

So maybe right now I don’t need another apology.

I need patience. I need to keep showing up. Go to my meetings. Stay sober. Be present. Be kinder. And let my actions slowly say the things that my words can’t anymore.

I hope, with time, the people I love will see the person I’m trying to become.

Until then, I have to give them that time.