My sponsor asked me to write a resentment list.
Basically, a list of people, situations and things from my past that I still carry anger, hurt or resentment toward. Some names came to me immediately. Others took a little longer. And then there were the ones I didn’t necessarily want to admit were still taking up space in my head.
It’s strange seeing it all written down.
Some of these things happened years ago. Some of these people probably haven’t thought about me in a very long time. And yet somehow I’ve continued carrying pieces of those experiences with me.
I’m starting to understand that recovery isn’t only about putting down the drink or the drugs. There’s also all this other stuff underneath it — anger, fear, shame, old relationships, things I wish had happened differently and things I still haven’t completely forgiven.
And maybe one of the hardest names to acknowledge on that list is my own.
There are things I’m angry at myself for. Choices I’ve made. People I’ve hurt. Time I’ve lost. Versions of myself I wish I could go back and change.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with all of it yet. Maybe that’s the point of writing the list in the first place.
For now, I’m just looking at the things I’ve been carrying.
Maybe eventually I’ll learn how to put some of them down.
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