two things can be true

My sister is my best friend, and this week I’ve missed her.

She’s been busy. She’s had her own life and her own things going on, and after everything that’s happened recently, I also understand that maybe she needs some space from me. I can understand that without necessarily liking how it feels.

I think that’s one of the harder things I’m learning right now: two things can be true.

Someone I love can be hurt by my actions, and I can be hurting too. They can need space, and I can feel lonely because of that space. I can understand why things might feel different between us right now while still wishing desperately that they didn’t.

Recovery asks you to take responsibility for the pain you’ve caused, and I want to do that. But sometimes I think I confuse taking responsibility with believing I’m no longer allowed to have feelings of my own.

I am.

Today I wanted my sister around. I wanted things to feel normal. I wanted to laugh with my best friend and have one of those completely ordinary days that I probably never appreciated enough when I had them.

Instead, I had to let her have her day and sit with how that made me feel.

Maybe that’s part of this too. Learning that I can’t immediately fix every uncomfortable feeling. I can’t control when relationships feel normal again. I can’t demand closeness because I’m lonely, just as I don’t have to pretend the distance doesn’t hurt.

I can love someone enough to give them space.

And I can miss them while I do it.

Two things can be true.